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What's about you, do you have a hard-on?

  • Photo du rédacteur: LF
    LF
  • 5 déc. 2018
  • 7 min de lecture

Dernière mise à jour : 10 févr. 2019

Don’t be afraid. This is not my pick-up line. « Tu bandes ? » (in English : do you have a hard-on ?) is the new Instagram account dedicated to masculinities that you will hear about.

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Last summer, Dora Moutot’s account « T’as joui ? » (in English : did you come ?) made a big splash in the vast world of social networks. "Men are all the same". False. Guillaume, 25, did not recognize himself in the many portraits depicted on @tasjoui. He creates @tubandes (with already more than 50K followers) to highlight the word of all these men who, like him, do not recognize themselves in the normative masculinity advocated by our society. What if, like women, men have always been victims of the myth of virility? Farewell to preconceived ideas about male virility and sexuality.



« Stop crying, it’s for girls »

Relay of men’s word, yes. But not only because Guillaume also gives free rein to his personal reflections: "A man is not born with a shield that prevents him from being susceptible, sensitive, we are all to different degrees men/women/individuals. And every criticism and blame can be as destructive as it would be for a woman. A man is just another woman."


The coordinator of @tubandes is said to be sensitive, a specificity generally attributed to women. And yet, by reading the testimonies, it is obvious that Guillaume is far from the only one. "She did not like, I quote, my way of staying calm and punched me to make me react, wake me up a little. Apparently a man should get angry, confront, dominate, that's what she told me. I left afterwards" is what you can read among the various statements. What to wonder about: why should the man embody strength and the woman fragility ? Is the conception of virility as an emotion-proof fortress wrong ? Probably. In the meantime, it is certain that stereotypes, prejudices and other preconceptions are well under way. Women cry. Men cry as well. Long story short, humans are sensitive beings.



« Men, real ones, are strong and muscular »

On his account, Guillaume points out that "a man does not have insecurities because he is in a society where he has no right to have any". A thought that is corroborated by the testimony of this man published on the HuffingtonPost’s website, in an article devoted to the relationship between men and their bodies:

"It would bother me to talk to my friends. I'm afraid of what they would think, not just because I'm really fat, but because it would be weird to have that kind of discussion between men. It's just not acceptable."

Or :

"Sometimes I confide in my girlfriend, but not really in my friends. I found that straight men did not show much compassion or consideration."

However, insecurities related to weight, muscle mass or hair are recurrent among men. As other stories told at HuffingtonPost show, men would tend to consider themselves too thin and turn to bodybuilding.


"I have always felt good about myself. Being very tall and very thin, we kept telling me I should eat more cheeseburgers ... When I was younger, it used to annoy me. Now, I just smile and reply that I would gladly do it if it was healthy. "
"I have a feeling of failure related to my body. In high school, I used to tell myself that I was too thin, that I needed muscle. Now, I tend to think that I'm still skinny, but with a belly. Thus, my insecurities have increased. Skinny arms and a beer belly ... Far from the archetype of the muscular male"

Of course, these insecurities are not innate but are the fruit of a social construction. We are not born insecure, we become so, we could say as a nod to a great lady. According to an American study, this ideal representation of the male body is not without after-effects either. Indeed, it would come with possible social sanctions: overweight would be perceived as a "lack of will", while a slim and muscular body would refer to a feeling of "self-confidence and strength in social relationships".


Moreover, Olivia Gazalé, philosopher, clarifies the consequences of the quest for this male absolute "this need of virility is made of very restrictive injunctions: the need of virility requires to be strong, powerful, robust, heroic, conquering, victorious , brave and self-controlled. It is also a discriminatory ideal, because all men who do not carry these virile markers are still considered sub-men”.



« What? You’re a virgin?! »

"For men, sex is the worst symbol we have. Amongst men, we’re so judgemental about our performances, our conquests", says a @tubandes’s reader.

And for good reason, the seductive and conquering man is another cliché that can lead to a hard life. Even today, seduction remains mostly the prerogative of men. Seducing women and being able to speak about it contributes to a self-segregation allowing to recognize themselves between men. "Seduction sets the man in society" writes philosopher and historian Jean-Claude Bologne. A conformism, certainly, but also a distinction since this activity allows at the same time to differentiate oneself from the mass and establish a hierarchy: "[For a man], the pleasure of being able to say the next day to his friends that he "did a girl" is more intense than the act itself". Thus, "it is not the enjoyment of the woman’s body that comes first, but the prestige of having had it" says the sociologist Raphaël Liogier.



« You cross your legs, you look like a girl »

Because they take care of their looks, have certain gestures or different behaviors, some men are suspected of being homosexual. They are said to be "effeminate" or "gay", and these words often have a bitter aftertaste because negatively connoted.

How can one come to label someone else as "gay" at first glance? Faced with this kind of judgment, a reader of @tubandes wanted to understand it. "You're always well-dressed, with classy clothes, you're always well-groomed, clean, you take care of yourself and your image, you do not have a beard, you talk in a certain way, with a particular vocabulary, you have mimicry, gestures, expressions, effeminate postures, you have female friends, you do not act manly, you're feminist, you're witty, you're sensitive, you're emotional, etc”. So many explanations given to him by his entourage.

Manly, yes, but not too much either. The difficulty lies in situating oneself in what is considered to be the correct measure of virility. This subtlety is emphasized by Mélanie Gourarier, an anthropologist, specialist in gender and sexuality issues: "A virile masculinity [according to society] is attributed to the popular classes, the one that is not virile enough is attributed to homosexuality. Good masculinity lies in this between-two ". Above all, do not go beyond the limited space devoted to this "good masculinity"; nothing obvious. "Finding one's place as a man is far from easy when you do not stick to the image people expect you to have" explains Guillaume in an interview.


As the title of Olivia Gazalé's book clearly indicates, the myth of virility is a trap for both sexes. Indeed, "the founding discourse on virility has not only postulated the essential inferiority of the woman, but also that of the other man (the stranger, the" sub-man ", the" pederast "...). Historically, this myth has legitimized the minimization of women and the oppression of man by man" sums up her editor. And to continue: "the duty of manliness is a burden, and" becoming a man "an extremely expensive process"


As you will have understood, it is not a question of pointing at one of the two genera, to designate one or the other as the oppressor. On the contrary, it is by reflecting together on conceptions of "masculinity" and "femininity" and reappropriating them that injunctions and other social pressures will decrease. "If we really want to be the ally of women and feminism, we must end patriarchy together and review our education. In my opinion, men have everything to gain by associating with feminists and deconstructing this toxic masculinity that prevents us from being free. If someone has to destroy it and speak about toxic masculinity, it's us " explains Guillaume.


So it's time for us to allow ourselves to be the man or the woman we decided to be, for men to appropriate these famous notions of masculinity and virility themselves, and finally we are repeating our gender stereotypes.


Between us, I’m asking you from one thing to another : have you also been pressured to be "more masculine" or "less feminine"?


Some stereotypes have been highlighted in this article. It goes without saying that there are many others. The goal here was not in any way to be exhaustive. I just wanted to share some thoughts, starting with the discovery of the @tubandes account. Some sort of introduction. If you are left behind, other articles dealing with themes of gender and sexuality will probably follow. And, in the meantime, here are some suggestions (which you can also find in the "Resources" tab of the blog).


Books


Podcasts


Article


Leila Fery


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